Takk

So...I don't know why I'm still awake, it's almost 3 AM and I have work in the morning tomorrow. I don't even know why I'm posting a blog, I didn't come on here with anything particular to say, I guess just to ramble.

The past couple days have been pretty nice, I'm getting into the holiday spirit, what with all the Christmas decorations and lights outside, plus the 24/7 Christmas music they play on B101 at Subway. That's actually deflating my Christmas spirit. I don't care how many of you like Nat King Cole, every time I hear "The Christmas Song" or "Silent Night" on the radio (which is more times than I can count in the past month and a half) I die a little inside. Ahem. So yeah anyway, really getting into that holiday spirit.

Yesterday I got 30-some cookies from Subway because they were "too dark to sell" (the way my Indian manager put it) which was nice. I don't think they should discriminate against dark cookies..they're delicious. Anyway, my dog (tiny jack russell) decided to jump up on my desk and eat about 10 of them that were in a bag, and when I came back into the room her belly was freaking HUGE. She's been looking a little woozy all night, I think her tummy hurts. I was pretty worried, what with dogs and chocolate not being a good mix, but I got 2 opinions and googled it, and I think she'll be fine. Not looking forward to having her in my bed tonight however.

This year I will be spending Christmas with the Wybierala family, which I'm excited about. Should be a cute little time over in NJ. I love being over there anyway, so Christmas Eve should be supergood.

I only just recently found my entire CD case that had gone missing for about a year, and here I find that it was just put in a place I would have never thought to look, and finally did out of desperation. Feels awesome to have all my music back with me, especially since my iPod has been broken for about a year now. All my 80's music is still as comforting to listen to as it used to be, even Bauhaus.

Last night I downloaded an N64 emulator onto my computer so now I can play Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask AND Snowboard Kids 1 & 2 on my laptop. I am so happy.

Molly's been coming and going for the past couple days, it's been nice having her back at home, just like old times. This winter break should be a good one.

That is all. I need to repose. Make with the Z's.

"Fat People Are Hoagies"

Guess who's quitting smoking on New Years with her boyf?

It's me. It's me.

Nice knowing all of you.

I'm thinking I'll take up ice cream in the place of smoking. I love it so much I could eat a bowl every day.


Who's ready for the new fun-lovin' fat Livi?

Scene:

A disheveled girl still in her pajamas, bespectacled, hair amess sitting on her bed with a cup of coffee and the tv playing in the background.

Overall mood of this scene: relaxed.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. Woke up about 2 hours ago but haven't really left my bed yet. I love starting the day off with a good cup of coffee accompanied by some loungin' around. I'm actually not at all cranky about having work at 4 today, even though I spent 9 hours at Subway yesterday.

The Indian woman I work with, Hansa, really opened up to me yesterday. I mean, we're always chatting whenever I work, and I help her with her English homework, but yesterday she was telling me all about what's going on in her life right now. I was amazed at how much she does.
Right now, Hansa is in the process of going through a messy divorce with her douchebag of an ex-husband, named Amit. Lemme back up a little bit: Hansa told me that over in India, her father is actually a millionaire! When Hansa married Amit, Hansa's father gave Amit a business, lots of money and everything to take care of his little girl. Hansa became the proud mother of a little boy (who I can't pronounce the name of) and everything seemed pretty nice. For the most part. Hansa gave everything she ever earned to her husband, not keeping a cent of it. She refused to accept financial help from her father, wanting to do everything for herself. She did absolutely everything for her husband. She was very submissive. So when Amit decided that he wanted a divorce, and wanted soul custody of their son so he wouldn't have to pay child support, there was nothing Hansa could do about it. She had nothing. She ended up here in America, working at Subway, under the mangerial wing of Sunny, her sister's husband (and my boss). She now has to work every single day (no weekend downtime) in order to pay for child support, and her small apartment in Hatfield. The divorce agreement states she can only see her son two weekends a month (she asked me to read the paperwork for her), and during the time she has her son she is not allowed to work. So she works every day in order to save up for the days that she has to drive to New York to pick her son up to spend time with him. Hansa's husband tries to win their son over by spending copious amounts of money on him, she was telling me about how before her son went to live with her husband, he spent one weekend over there and Amit bought him a laptop, a puppy, an ipod, and spent an additional $300 on him, basically giving him whatever he wanted.
I really feel for this woman. She was calling herself stupid for being such a pushover with her husband, it was terrible. Her husband has a better lawyer and speaks english more fluently than she does, so he has the upper hand on their divorce agreement. She told him she wants nothing from him, not even the large sum of her earnings that she had been handing over to him the number of years they were married. I helped her close the store last night, and she drove me home. She works from 9am-9pm every day, and after she dropped me off at my house she was on her way to go babysit her sister's two little girls.
Your day will come soon, Hansa.

Moon Child drank a lot of sake.

What if being addicted to smoking was instead being addicted to being out in the sun? Go with me here. This is a thought process that just wants to wander right now.

I've found that smoking a cigarette is more enjoyable when you're in the company of others, when you're enjoying each other and when you feel busy and rushed. Why? I feel it's because since you feel busy and in the middle of things it's because you don't know when exactly you're going to have another cigarette again. You savor it. I'm talking about real nicotine addicts. Now, when you're alone you have a sort of internal clock that tells you when you want to have another cigarette, and at least for me it also has to do with boredom and anxiety. You have a scheduled time that you'd like to have a cigarette. And for most of the time when I am alone and I'm having a cigarette it's not nearly as enjoyable as when I am in the company of others. When I'm alone I tend to just suck it down, still thinking of how bad it is for me and how much I'd like to quit, but still leaning on the addiction and still thinking I "need" it. When I am in the company of others and smoking, esPECIALLY when I am around other smokers, I feel less exiled and more accepted in how much I smoke. Even if I think about the fact that cigarettes are terrible for me and I'd like to not die from lung cancer, at that moment I don't care.

I'm going to replace smoking with being out in the sun. The first question that comes to mind that can be reasoned in so many ways is: would everyone mind as much? Would your family members and friends be frowning upon you when you wanted to step outside for 5 minutes?
Would you be viewed as an addict? Would there be restaurants that had signs up out front that said "Please no stepping outside during your meal"? (referring to the resent ban of smoking inside public establishments in the state of Pennsylvania), would public places have all their blinds down so that no natural light could get in and tempt you?

DISCLAIMER: Now, I realize that all this is absolutely ridiculous, I am on a sort of rant right now. I don't know exactly what spawned it, but I'm sure the bottle of sake I just finished didn't help any.

Anyway. Ahem. Now I'm thinking of how I'm only going to be getting 7 hours of sleep (if I'm lucky) just because I wanted to write this whole stupid thing. I've had a writer's block for the longest time and even though this may be a half-drunken rant I'd like to see it through. It may not be worth it, but a thought cannot be left unfinished, especially if it is going to be published!

So, replacing a nicotine addiction with loving the sun, would more parties and gatherings take place during the day (oh, say 3 o' clock) when the sun was highest in the sky? I know that when I am at a party and drunk I tend to smoke way more cigarettes, because I don't feel the pain, and for some reason it feels like my body craves it more. It also seems like somewhat of a confidence booster, for whatever reason. When I have a cigarette physically in my hand I feel so much better. When I'm drunk. I feel that I have everything I need. So, I ask again, would more parties take place during the day when the UV fiends feel most comfortable? As an ice breaker? So that when they feel fucked up they have everything they need?

Would UV addicts lose their jobs because they would rather get fucked up during the day than work for a measly wage?

What if being out in the sun gave you the same mini-high of smoking a cigarette? Think about it.

I'm going to be embarrassed about posting tomorrow morning, but I'm going to fight my hardest to not delete this. Even if it brings me negative attention, the fact that I got some sort of thought process out and let it flow instead of capping it off and keeping it bottled up, I'll be proud.

And Molly, just so you know, I was going to leave this on your answering machine 'cause I thought you'd get a kick out of it, but I thought I'd sound like an ass (ha ha) so I didn't. Love you.

-Livi.

I have about 20..

electrodes glued to my head with various colored wires dangling down and plugging into a box that I have to carry around with me all day. And night. Because I have to stay up for 38 hours. Sleep deprivation. Ugh! At least the guy that's on shift watching me and another kid doing this study is pretty lenient, I'll be able to go out for a smoke around 1 in the morning and not get caught, plus I'm allowed to use the internet for the time being.
Why'm I doing this?

$1300.

The kid that I'm doing the study with is really cool, I'm not terrible sick or him or anything, we get along well. We give each other our space. I wasn't sure how it would go in the beginning because I had learned that he was a traveling youth leader for his church and also in a christian band type thing, but I'm glad to say he hasn't really pushed any of his beliefs on me. We just watch movies, or I read while he plays around on his laptop. The one thing that sucks is the tests that we have to do every two hours. The first test, I have to stare at a blue dot on the wall while my electrode box is hooked up to a laptop so the nurse can see my brain waves at a base level, while there's no activity going on. I have to stare at this dot for 4 minutes every two hours, and after that test is completed I'm handed this old school gameboy-looking contraption that has two black buttons on it and a screen where red numbers come up. I have to press one of the black buttons when a red number pops up on the screen, it tests my reaction time. You try and get the lowest number you possibly can. That test is 10 minutes long. On top of those tests, the food absolutely sucks. The other kid I'm doing the study with, Kris, and I filled out menus of what we thought we'd want to eat daily for this study about a month or so before. We came here and all of our food was in this small refrigerator, seran-wrapped on trays or in bags. Nothing was heated up, we had to do everything ourselves with just a microwave. So, say goodbye to toast, or the advertised "hot english muffins," or salisbury steak and mashed potates, all the food sucks. Oh well. What really sucks above all else is the claustrophic feeling I'm getting from not being allowed to go outside or walk around anywhere but on this small floor, the 11th floor. Even though I'm not allowed to leave this floor I still got dressed and cleaned up, just to feel less lazy. AND I miss people :[ I almost got a kind of homesick feeling from being around no one I know, and knowing that I'm going to have to be around just these people for 4 days. It kind of made my stomach lurch. I miss my Charles. And my puppy.

The basic gist of this rant is just to say: this sleep study sucks. It's definitely an interesting experience but I'm so ready to go home now. And it's only really just started!

AKA Livi's a baby.

Left side right side left side again

It's like double vision. A high. Nausea. Maybe? My feelings of inhabiting an empty house. It's days like this that I am reminded how much I hate being alone.

Dry lips. A proud feeling of only smoking 4 cigarettes today. I wonder why that is?
If there's anything I am not, it is healthy.

shakeyquakeyachey.
Walked to the CVS tonight and picked up two tv dinners for 1.99 each and some red hairdye. A strange feeling of embarrassment walking up to the counter.

Some things are obviously missing somewhere.

I've been plucking strings and singing songs to fuzzy four legged creatures 3 inches off the ground for too long.

pero, no me importa.

I'll get this thing that everyone says I'm so good at back someday.

Introit and Kyrie - for Victor Jara

they have taken the village/your block is on fire/in the unsuspecting hours of December near Christmas/of September 1973/of Spring Break/of Election Day/while the world whirrs onward in electric bliss. your brother/your neighbor/her husband/has been flattened in his car/has been burned in her house/has simply disappeared. your sister/your teacher/his daughter/split into limbs and trunk portions/by bulldozer/by machete/by soldier boys/by good neighbors/the body/unmade as couch cushions on curbsides/flung into stinking pits/mineshafts/buried away and denied/an endless sum of empty bodies


where have the voices gone
the mad prophets in the wilderness
angry cameras and frantic pens to catch
one hundred
two hundred thousand
lives spilled out of the glass
-just a blade across a windshield
a flick of the remote

America yawns in her sleep
in Basra, women lie under a spitting sky
outside the torn pages of their ancestral homes
in Sudan, the devil rides out of nightmares
dripping poison and dust
and in Aceh, in Rwanda -
remainders are carried
and crossed out
as columns in a ledger
the children America has abandoned are terrified of water, grass, and open sky

Dear Victor Jara, today I heard of a family
and a best Sunday suit
burned in the street
and I am stuffed with grief

hands pilot unmanned
into dishes and dinner
seeking out some utensil to grasp
for you
I press fingertips into the darkness of a bedroom
and pack unsteady prayers
into the slightest part that yields

they took your hands, Victor Jara
kicked your guitar at you
and told you to play

America tells herself
in the mirror
"we are doing all we can"
I tell myself in the mirror
"I am so sorry"

we fill our cars we walk our dogs
apologies evaporating
useless as second-hand smoke

you see,
unlike the books i have promised to read
thank you cards never sent -
the world will not wait
patiently
this is picking up speed
people are dying faster
more efficiently

you were only one of a million -
Chile, Rwanda, Darfur, and Jenin
buried in newspapers and prisons
under Paris Hilton and the irony of "Survivor"
you are an accident I overheard on the radio

and it is your story, Victor Jara
that holds your name among folk heroes
America waits for lives
to become legends
before rousing
from the comfort of indifference

where have our prophets gone?
their voices choked with blood and hope -
artists and activists,
charged
to point and shoot

as watchers, light-bringers -
write the sentence that will stop a bullet
write the poem that will crush a heart
remake it into an open hand

pass the story mouth to mouth
as if lungs depended on it
let words light themselves in effigy
on the white house lawn

say something
to stop this train - or just drive it into the wreckage yourself
art is the little red coat
in the grey sea

the hope of the world
is the angry American
with a tight purse
and a pena paintbrush
and postage

it is an unjust world
that takes hands away
only from those that would use them

Kyrie Eleison, Victor

Born Slippy.

My mood right now? Pretty optimistic. This year seems to be unfolding nicely, and even though everything is still pretty up in the air about what I'm doing next year, I'm actually not that stressed about it. I have my moments, but the beautiful weather is proving to be therapeutic. No matter what happens, at least in retrospect it was probably a beautiful day while I was stressin'. I kind of feel like it's a warm blanket wrapped around me.

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I had work from 2-8 at the diner. The night before, I was dreading even waking up and knowing that I would be reminded periodically throughout the day that it was Mother's Day, just by little girls running around and being hugged by their moms, or older women buying their elderly mothers a pricey entree. I freaked out in the morning pretty much as soon as I woke up. Got myself under control and figured I'd be okay for work, it would be too busy for me to think about things other than which customer ordered the 'broiled captain's seafood platter' and who needed another iced tea. Everything seemed to be going alright, I made it a whole 4 hours into my shift with no complications, well, haaaa, except for wiping out on a tile floor near the coffee machine that was just mopped. 'Yah just gotta laugh it off' I kept telling myself. That was a good one. Maybe I'll get tipped more if my table saw me wipe out while I was catering to their needs and getting them another lemonade. (Nope.) Anyway, after 4 hours had passed, I got seated more tables than I could handle, and I was running around like a madwoman. For one of my tables, the cooks fucked up an entree I had brought out and I was getting major complaints. I apologized out the ass and brought it back in to get fixed, and for some reason I just started hyperventilating. Everyone around me saw that I was flustered and was in my face asking me what I needed, even my boss, I felt majorly claustrophobic and almost felt like I was going to faint. My boss told me to calm down and just breathe, and for some reason that set it off, I threw my hands up in defeat and retreated into the smoking room offside the kitchen where the employees are banished for smoke breaks. I knew I was going to freak out and I hate anyone seeing me cry or become unglued. My vision went black for a couple seconds and so I put my head in my hands. I couldn't stop shaking or calm my breathing, it was terrifying me. I can't remember the last time I've gotten like that. I had three tables that I should have been worrying about, and I couldn't go out there if every time I tried to compose myself and talk, no words would come out. That's what happens when I'm visibly upset and crying, I can't form words. Molly came in to check on me and I managed to stammer at her that she needed to get my boss, I couldn't do this. This was just too hard of a day for me and I hadn't even really realized. My boss came in, I choked on more words while trying to tell her what was going on with me and that it wasn't really the pressure that was making me freak out. She gave me a hug, told me to breathe and calm down, and to buck up and go finish up my tables. It took me about 10 minutes to stop hyperventilating, not helping that my customers probably thought their waitress was a nutjob. I had one of the other waitresses give the check to one of my tables, and then tried to calm myself down and handle the other two. I apologized profusely to both tables, who seemed to understand. For me that was funny and comforting. I kind of forget that I'm serving people that have feelings and freak out every once in a while in their lives just like I do. They were all really understanding, one of the elderly women even recited a poem that she wrote for her mother once she had passed, it was amazing. I have more faith in people now I think.

After all my tables left I called my dad who had called me earlier asking me to dinner at his house, which I accepted now that I was off work early. He came and got me, and we held hands the entire way home. We got home, he made me a burrito, I drank some wine with he and Laurie while watching the last episode of Survivor which they seem to be obsessed with, then Laurie decided to go to bed. My dad got out some old home movies of when I was not even a year old, a tape with plenty of good shots of my mother in it, glowing with absolute happiness, just like a new mother. My dad told me stories of all my 'firsts', and about all the family members that I didn't remember that would appear every once in a while in the tape. It was such a comfort, and such a golden moment for my dad and I, because last night was the first time he actually talked to me like an equal rather than a teenager who doesn't know what they're doing. I'm sure the wine was definitely a catalyst, as well as the cannabis, but I appreciate it all the same.


I'm a happy girl.

This feels really really nice.

Hoping it's the B.C. If you analyze anything that much, nothing seems too good.

I'm all over the place. One minute I could be completely content and happy, chipper even, the person I usually am. The next minute my brain feels like it's going to explode. Too much thought, too much worrying. Too much everything. A shell of a person. I feel unworthy of the people that call themselves my friends. I just don't see....how. I have no energy to think or talk. My attention is easily grabbed because I can't keep my thoughts on any one thing for a prolonged period of time. I HATE THIS.

I don't want to push away the people that might actually care about me, or could. I think that it's also a defense mechanism I have, a wall that I have up, that I haven't been able to demolish. It seems like it's built in now, and it comes out, making itself known at the most painfully obvious and worst times. No one's been able to make it go away, and I'm starting to get scared that no one will. At times that can be all I'm thinking about, and it terrifies me. I don't want this to become something that's permanently embedded in my personality, because this is not part of me. Maybe it's something that I need to learn, something that I'm going about the wrong way. I just haven't met anyone that is willing to work through it with me, besides my best friends. It's also very much to do with a giant feeling I get in the pit of my stomach that I don't have anything to offer, it's an unhealthy self-critique. Everything always fizzles out for me, because once the 'new' wears off, I'm not sure what I want or how the other person feels, and I start thinking way too much. I start getting comfortable. I try to act like the person I think I am normally, but it's always a bit off and eveything just becomes bland. I'm not sure why that happens.

A big reason why I've been on my own for as long as I have is because I'm not going to settle for anything less than what I'm looking for, but now I'm afraid that when a good opportunity actually comes up, not all of me will fully realize it and I'll go back into 'hiding'. Well, I haven't come into contact with anyone that wants to find me yet.

If someone thinks that I'm worth cracking open, I mean really does, all I'm asking is that you bear with me, or tell me straight up "no".

thank god for music.

I didn't think it was possible, but it is becoming an even more satisfying way to unwind. Right now I'm vegged out, body semi-achey from running around at work today, with a hunk of dark chocolate next to me, courtesy of the easter basket I received from molly's mom when I woke up at 2:00 in the afternoon. Que terrifico!

I don't know what else to say. Working these past couple days has really taken any sort of interest to conversate or think out of me and stomped on it. This really kind of sucks. I don't care about being eloquent right now, right now I'm going to be a cranky diner waitress, sitting in her favorite chair in her pj's, watching the news. Right now I'm going to kick my feet up, decide that I can blow things off until at most tomorrow, and say, "fuck it".

Despite that rant, I've just realized I have a lot more on my mind than I thought.

There are no breaks, are there?

Trying to build a balance.

Livi has a job. Not at the Melodia Cafe, but Michael's Diner on 309. The same diner I go to every night of my life anyway. I didn't know how I'd feel about working someplace that I actually enjoy going to, but when making money's involved, why complain? Tonight was my third night working, so I'm still in training. There's not much else I can learn though, being a waitress is mostly common sense, so if you don't have much of that, you're screwed. I didn't get any tables on my own tonight, I just helped out Molly with hers, which was a good idea because she wasn't feeling too good today anyway, pretty sure she has a fever. Other than that, I just kinda hung around, took lots of cigarette breaks, did a crossword puzzle or two in the paper on the counter, got some free food then went home. I'll be working Friday through Sunday this weekend 4-9, skipping Easter dinner which I'm not too bummed about anyway. Come visit if you're in the area!

Other than that, a drunken Georgia told me at Karl's toga party the other night that she may have found us a place to live next year...Jamie's old apartment. I think she said the rent would be about $230 per person, between three people, so awesome. I've got to go to the city this weekend with Molly during the day to check out the situation, and mostly to see if it would be possible to have pets there, because we may not be getting rid of Nickel after all, just so long as we can make sure I can take her with me when I move out. I'm not sure how that's gonna turn out, I'm not holding out much hope. The whole situation has just been heartbreaking for us. She's chosen me as 'her person', how do I just brush her off and get rid of her? It's gonna kill me. Ugh. I'm done thinking about that.

Everything else in my life seems to be unfolding nicely, however. Seems like the first time I can actually say that confidently! At least for now. I've got a job that's going to help me save up money for moving to the city next year, the place I want to be more than anywhere else in the world right now, I've got awesome people around me every day, I feel like I've been handling family affairs pretty reasonably, (aka picking up my grandmother's, aunt's, uncle's, and father's calls as well as spending some time with them), things seems to be going great! I haven't been acting like an idiot lately, etc etc. Although despite all this, I still feel like I'm overlooking something. I guess that's just paranoia. It's been very rare in my life that I've felt like I've had a handle on things. Well I don't think I ever will, but at least I feel like I have a normal amount of stress instead of an incredible amount. I think I've successfully dug myself out of the money ditch. Tonight, I'm going to forget that I have $2.00 in my bank account, and I'm going to be happy about the fact that I'm not in debt to the Hatfield Athletic Club or the Doc's Office anymore. Actually I think I do owe them $25. Damn. So close. Fuck it.

This weekend, cringing, I went with my dad to my grandmother's house in Clifton Heights to pack up and take with us some of the things that she promised Jackie and I in her will. I hadn't been to her house in years, it was so eerie walking in and realizing nothing had changed. She didn't want Jackie and I to see her slow decline into hardcore senility, and also I think that it was just too sad for her to see us after the death of my mother. That is literally the last time I saw her, which was about 5 years ago. I didn't really do much to keep in touch with her either, I had always been somewhat afraid of her when I was younger, she was a very brash and forceful woman, very cranky in her older years. This is all of course meaningless now, and I feel like such a little shit for not putting out more of an effort. Seeing all the things she left me, all the things that were hers and that she cherished, actually gave me a better idea of who she was. My grandmother lovvvveeed gaudy gold jewelry. She had a very unique taste in jewelry, and she left Jackie and I all of it. I was told that all of it would be worth a lot of money if we ever decided to sell it, but I don't know if I would ever have the heart to. Holding heavy gold chains, charms, rings, bracelets, earrings in my hands that I used to see her ornamented in every time we'd come visit, her regulars, her favorites, I still felt like she was very much alive, she was just in the next room. Surprisingly, through this whole visit, I wasn't terribly sad, and I'm not saying it was business to me either, it was just...I guess I can't even explain. I had a very clear head through the whole ordeal, and that did me some good in my opinion, because I feel like I was much more capable of saying my goodbyes this way. Thinking rationally, but still feeling everything, every little bit. I'm hoping this is some sort of sign that I'm growing up emotionally, but in some morbid way I think that I'm also just so used to loss that, that's the reason why I'm becoming so good at dealing with it. Hey, at least I'm becoming better at dealing with it rather than looking at it as an excuse to feel sorry for myself and fuck up my life.

Okay, now I'm just rambling. Better end this before it gets ridiculous.

Kicking the Heart Out.

This weekend was nice, took the train down to the city to see my sister again, was greeted by her cute little girlfriend running around in a neon orange flat-brimmed hat and impossible heels. Went to some party at so-and-so's house and was happy to see a lot of people there I hadn't seen in a while. Ray and I tried to work out a game of beer pong but found out it wasn't worth it, the place was so packed with everyone crowding around the table, plus we only had one ping pong ball. It was a valiant effort all the same. After spending a majority of the night at this place chainsmoking on a really cool balcony with an amazing view of center city lights, not to mention all of us being exactly where we needed to be on the 1-10 drunken scale of things, we started heading back in the general direction of Furness. Karl got a call from Georgia Jamie and Joe, so we waited for them on a corner and I was reunited with my love again. Shot the breeze with them for a little before heading back and crashing. Success.

The next night was just a lazy/nice break from the night before. I smoked with my sister for the first time in a sketchy alleyway, I'm glad it happened like that. Then we all walked back to their friend Maxine's dorm and watched 2001: A Space Odyssey. I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my head around that movie. It was just amazing to watch. Stanley Kubrick is a god amongst directors.

Today I woke up at 2:30 in an empty dorm room, then took the subway back to Temple with Karl, where we met up with Georgia and her beau. I am fully contented with this weekend. Now I'm just relaxing at my house with a jack russell on my lap, listening to Forgot About Dre, waiting for Matt to pick me up to go to the diner. Balllllllin'.

To all the people who can quest like a tribe does.

Can I kick it?

I went into Melodia Cafe yesterday to talk about setting up a schedule, and I'll be starting training on March 10th. A little more of a wait than I'd like, but still something solid to look forward to, not to mention a pay check. The little asian woman who runs the place is ridiculously adorable. She was beaming as she talked about her expectations and ideas to make the place successful. I couldn't get a word in edgewise, all I could do was nod the entire time. She did get me excited to work there though. I really hope it turns out to be everything she's envisioned.

I'm more than ready to have something to occupy my time other than sitting online and listening to music because my fucking iPod is broken. I'm done with being a bum. This town is gonna kill me slowly if I don't get out.

I spent last weekend in the city with Ben, Nicole, Mark, Doug and Z visiting Mandy and Kasey at their hockey house. Nicole and I were tripping face the entire time, and for lack of a better way to explain it, it definitely made shit interesting. I don't know if I'd do that again. The next day I felt like I'd just ran a marathon, my whole body was ridiculously tired. I'm gonna give myself a break from shit like that for a while.

I've completely fallen in love with Molly's jack russell terrier, Nickel. She sleeps in my bed every night and keeps me company. I didn't think a dog could be so awesome. I'm usually more of a cat person if anything.

Lastly, I've been realizing how lucky I am to have found the friends that I have, because everyone else seems to be fucking crazy! Prove me wrong.

Rorschach's Journal:

This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face.

The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown.:

The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save Us!"...:

...and I'll look down, and whisper, "No".:

I am the catastrophe waitress.

So, life is terribly boring when you have no money and the job that you're promised takes a long time calling you back. Nuts to you Melodia Cafe. Nuts. To. You. I wanted to possibly go into the city this weekend, but I won't have the money for it. Another weekend in the place where time is frozen.

If anyone looks at this and knows absolutely anyone that might be interested in buying an electric guitar and/or two amps, please let me know! I've been trying to sell these things on my facebook page for what seems like all of eternity.

My friend John sent me an amazing quote from this graphic novel, I forget what it's called so I'll probably ask him the next time I can, about (something along the lines of) a group of superheroes who have to cope with and adapt to a city that's outgrown them. What really sold me was the quote. When I find it again I'll post it.

I've got to go take a shower and deposit a check.

Oh and also, if anyone hasn't heard of Pandora radio, fuckin' get on that shit, I'm completely obsessed and it's only been 3 days. I'm working on building my own super-mega-awesome Livi Radio station, so that every song that comes on is the perfect song [: .

Robot Rock.

Going to see my sister, going to a rave, and then who knows what. I haven't seen Jackie in a long time. On the way down to the city Georgia got hit by a pickup truck. She's fine though, it wasn't big. Her turn signal's still working and everything. Love her. I have to go do laundry and get a shower. That is all.

Happy Hallmark Holiday.

Today is turning out pretty good. Woke up at 2:30 to a tiny jack russell licking my face, telling me to get up. As soon as I walk out of my room I see little valentines posted all around the house addressed to Molly and I, her mom is adorable. I've decided that when she's sitting in her favorite chair in the living room, watching her shows before bed I'm gonna cut up a bunch of tiny little hearts, about enough to fill a small plastic laundry basket, and throw them all over her. The funny thing is, she'd love that.

Matt told me I was his Valentine, so I might be going to the diner or something with him. Later on I should be blazin' and playing magic with Ben, my other v-buddy for the day. I've been playing around with origami today, trying to figure out how to make hearts, roses, cranes, whatever. It's relaxing. I've been playing cds all day because my iPod decided to stop working, and the only way to fix it is to bring it to an Apple store. How goddamn annoying is that. I think the closest one is in King of Prussia.

The other night I did acid for the first time. It was just Molly and I, we had nothing better to do, it was a monday night and we decided to do acid. This behavior completely epitomizes us. We took the tabs and then started to watch a movie to wait, but by the end of the movie we weren't really feeling anything, just a bit silly. But then we got up to go into the garage to watch magnetosphere and chainsmoke, and that's when it started to hit us. My mind felt like it was going to explode, but in a good way...if that makes any sense at all. My whole trip felt like a complete mind orgasm. Watching the magnetosphere made me think of the universe, stars, atoms, particles, the womb, the human body, cells, feelings, love, sex, life, etc. Everything. It was pulling me in. For about an hour I was in love with the thing, completely. It seemed like whatever I was feeling the visualizer would create something for me to look at that to me, was identical to what I was feeling. This is where I peaked. During this whole thing, Molly swears she saw my spirit animal right behind me, in the form of a white cat. "Bigger than a house cat, but smaller than a mountain lion," is what she said before exploding into a fit of laughter. I figure if I do have a spirit animal it would be a cat. My mind had a complete overload, but it was amazing. I felt like I wasn't in a solid body, but that I was a ball of energy, moving about freely. I wish I could see myself like that every day. We crashed around 7 in the morning (we started kinda late), with me in my red footy pajamas curled up in a giant blanket, Molly in her penguin pajamas, watching X Files. It was a good night.