Moon Child drank a lot of sake.

What if being addicted to smoking was instead being addicted to being out in the sun? Go with me here. This is a thought process that just wants to wander right now.

I've found that smoking a cigarette is more enjoyable when you're in the company of others, when you're enjoying each other and when you feel busy and rushed. Why? I feel it's because since you feel busy and in the middle of things it's because you don't know when exactly you're going to have another cigarette again. You savor it. I'm talking about real nicotine addicts. Now, when you're alone you have a sort of internal clock that tells you when you want to have another cigarette, and at least for me it also has to do with boredom and anxiety. You have a scheduled time that you'd like to have a cigarette. And for most of the time when I am alone and I'm having a cigarette it's not nearly as enjoyable as when I am in the company of others. When I'm alone I tend to just suck it down, still thinking of how bad it is for me and how much I'd like to quit, but still leaning on the addiction and still thinking I "need" it. When I am in the company of others and smoking, esPECIALLY when I am around other smokers, I feel less exiled and more accepted in how much I smoke. Even if I think about the fact that cigarettes are terrible for me and I'd like to not die from lung cancer, at that moment I don't care.

I'm going to replace smoking with being out in the sun. The first question that comes to mind that can be reasoned in so many ways is: would everyone mind as much? Would your family members and friends be frowning upon you when you wanted to step outside for 5 minutes?
Would you be viewed as an addict? Would there be restaurants that had signs up out front that said "Please no stepping outside during your meal"? (referring to the resent ban of smoking inside public establishments in the state of Pennsylvania), would public places have all their blinds down so that no natural light could get in and tempt you?

DISCLAIMER: Now, I realize that all this is absolutely ridiculous, I am on a sort of rant right now. I don't know exactly what spawned it, but I'm sure the bottle of sake I just finished didn't help any.

Anyway. Ahem. Now I'm thinking of how I'm only going to be getting 7 hours of sleep (if I'm lucky) just because I wanted to write this whole stupid thing. I've had a writer's block for the longest time and even though this may be a half-drunken rant I'd like to see it through. It may not be worth it, but a thought cannot be left unfinished, especially if it is going to be published!

So, replacing a nicotine addiction with loving the sun, would more parties and gatherings take place during the day (oh, say 3 o' clock) when the sun was highest in the sky? I know that when I am at a party and drunk I tend to smoke way more cigarettes, because I don't feel the pain, and for some reason it feels like my body craves it more. It also seems like somewhat of a confidence booster, for whatever reason. When I have a cigarette physically in my hand I feel so much better. When I'm drunk. I feel that I have everything I need. So, I ask again, would more parties take place during the day when the UV fiends feel most comfortable? As an ice breaker? So that when they feel fucked up they have everything they need?

Would UV addicts lose their jobs because they would rather get fucked up during the day than work for a measly wage?

What if being out in the sun gave you the same mini-high of smoking a cigarette? Think about it.

I'm going to be embarrassed about posting tomorrow morning, but I'm going to fight my hardest to not delete this. Even if it brings me negative attention, the fact that I got some sort of thought process out and let it flow instead of capping it off and keeping it bottled up, I'll be proud.

And Molly, just so you know, I was going to leave this on your answering machine 'cause I thought you'd get a kick out of it, but I thought I'd sound like an ass (ha ha) so I didn't. Love you.

-Livi.

I have about 20..

electrodes glued to my head with various colored wires dangling down and plugging into a box that I have to carry around with me all day. And night. Because I have to stay up for 38 hours. Sleep deprivation. Ugh! At least the guy that's on shift watching me and another kid doing this study is pretty lenient, I'll be able to go out for a smoke around 1 in the morning and not get caught, plus I'm allowed to use the internet for the time being.
Why'm I doing this?

$1300.

The kid that I'm doing the study with is really cool, I'm not terrible sick or him or anything, we get along well. We give each other our space. I wasn't sure how it would go in the beginning because I had learned that he was a traveling youth leader for his church and also in a christian band type thing, but I'm glad to say he hasn't really pushed any of his beliefs on me. We just watch movies, or I read while he plays around on his laptop. The one thing that sucks is the tests that we have to do every two hours. The first test, I have to stare at a blue dot on the wall while my electrode box is hooked up to a laptop so the nurse can see my brain waves at a base level, while there's no activity going on. I have to stare at this dot for 4 minutes every two hours, and after that test is completed I'm handed this old school gameboy-looking contraption that has two black buttons on it and a screen where red numbers come up. I have to press one of the black buttons when a red number pops up on the screen, it tests my reaction time. You try and get the lowest number you possibly can. That test is 10 minutes long. On top of those tests, the food absolutely sucks. The other kid I'm doing the study with, Kris, and I filled out menus of what we thought we'd want to eat daily for this study about a month or so before. We came here and all of our food was in this small refrigerator, seran-wrapped on trays or in bags. Nothing was heated up, we had to do everything ourselves with just a microwave. So, say goodbye to toast, or the advertised "hot english muffins," or salisbury steak and mashed potates, all the food sucks. Oh well. What really sucks above all else is the claustrophic feeling I'm getting from not being allowed to go outside or walk around anywhere but on this small floor, the 11th floor. Even though I'm not allowed to leave this floor I still got dressed and cleaned up, just to feel less lazy. AND I miss people :[ I almost got a kind of homesick feeling from being around no one I know, and knowing that I'm going to have to be around just these people for 4 days. It kind of made my stomach lurch. I miss my Charles. And my puppy.

The basic gist of this rant is just to say: this sleep study sucks. It's definitely an interesting experience but I'm so ready to go home now. And it's only really just started!

AKA Livi's a baby.