I'm all over the place. One minute I could be completely content and happy, chipper even, the person I usually am. The next minute my brain feels like it's going to explode. Too much thought, too much worrying. Too much everything. A shell of a person. I feel unworthy of the people that call themselves my friends. I just don't see....how. I have no energy to think or talk. My attention is easily grabbed because I can't keep my thoughts on any one thing for a prolonged period of time. I HATE THIS.
I don't want to push away the people that might actually care about me, or could. I think that it's also a defense mechanism I have, a wall that I have up, that I haven't been able to demolish. It seems like it's built in now, and it comes out, making itself known at the most painfully obvious and worst times. No one's been able to make it go away, and I'm starting to get scared that no one will. At times that can be all I'm thinking about, and it terrifies me. I don't want this to become something that's permanently embedded in my personality, because this is not part of me. Maybe it's something that I need to learn, something that I'm going about the wrong way. I just haven't met anyone that is willing to work through it with me, besides my best friends. It's also very much to do with a giant feeling I get in the pit of my stomach that I don't have anything to offer, it's an unhealthy self-critique. Everything always fizzles out for me, because once the 'new' wears off, I'm not sure what I want or how the other person feels, and I start thinking way too much. I start getting comfortable. I try to act like the person I think I am normally, but it's always a bit off and eveything just becomes bland. I'm not sure why that happens.
A big reason why I've been on my own for as long as I have is because I'm not going to settle for anything less than what I'm looking for, but now I'm afraid that when a good opportunity actually comes up, not all of me will fully realize it and I'll go back into 'hiding'. Well, I haven't come into contact with anyone that wants to find me yet.
If someone thinks that I'm worth cracking open, I mean really does, all I'm asking is that you bear with me, or tell me straight up "no".
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
thank god for music.
I didn't think it was possible, but it is becoming an even more satisfying way to unwind. Right now I'm vegged out, body semi-achey from running around at work today, with a hunk of dark chocolate next to me, courtesy of the easter basket I received from molly's mom when I woke up at 2:00 in the afternoon. Que terrifico!
I don't know what else to say. Working these past couple days has really taken any sort of interest to conversate or think out of me and stomped on it. This really kind of sucks. I don't care about being eloquent right now, right now I'm going to be a cranky diner waitress, sitting in her favorite chair in her pj's, watching the news. Right now I'm going to kick my feet up, decide that I can blow things off until at most tomorrow, and say, "fuck it".
Despite that rant, I've just realized I have a lot more on my mind than I thought.
There are no breaks, are there?
I don't know what else to say. Working these past couple days has really taken any sort of interest to conversate or think out of me and stomped on it. This really kind of sucks. I don't care about being eloquent right now, right now I'm going to be a cranky diner waitress, sitting in her favorite chair in her pj's, watching the news. Right now I'm going to kick my feet up, decide that I can blow things off until at most tomorrow, and say, "fuck it".
Despite that rant, I've just realized I have a lot more on my mind than I thought.
There are no breaks, are there?
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Trying to build a balance.
Livi has a job. Not at the Melodia Cafe, but Michael's Diner on 309. The same diner I go to every night of my life anyway. I didn't know how I'd feel about working someplace that I actually enjoy going to, but when making money's involved, why complain? Tonight was my third night working, so I'm still in training. There's not much else I can learn though, being a waitress is mostly common sense, so if you don't have much of that, you're screwed. I didn't get any tables on my own tonight, I just helped out Molly with hers, which was a good idea because she wasn't feeling too good today anyway, pretty sure she has a fever. Other than that, I just kinda hung around, took lots of cigarette breaks, did a crossword puzzle or two in the paper on the counter, got some free food then went home. I'll be working Friday through Sunday this weekend 4-9, skipping Easter dinner which I'm not too bummed about anyway. Come visit if you're in the area!
Other than that, a drunken Georgia told me at Karl's toga party the other night that she may have found us a place to live next year...Jamie's old apartment. I think she said the rent would be about $230 per person, between three people, so awesome. I've got to go to the city this weekend with Molly during the day to check out the situation, and mostly to see if it would be possible to have pets there, because we may not be getting rid of Nickel after all, just so long as we can make sure I can take her with me when I move out. I'm not sure how that's gonna turn out, I'm not holding out much hope. The whole situation has just been heartbreaking for us. She's chosen me as 'her person', how do I just brush her off and get rid of her? It's gonna kill me. Ugh. I'm done thinking about that.
Everything else in my life seems to be unfolding nicely, however. Seems like the first time I can actually say that confidently! At least for now. I've got a job that's going to help me save up money for moving to the city next year, the place I want to be more than anywhere else in the world right now, I've got awesome people around me every day, I feel like I've been handling family affairs pretty reasonably, (aka picking up my grandmother's, aunt's, uncle's, and father's calls as well as spending some time with them), things seems to be going great! I haven't been acting like an idiot lately, etc etc. Although despite all this, I still feel like I'm overlooking something. I guess that's just paranoia. It's been very rare in my life that I've felt like I've had a handle on things. Well I don't think I ever will, but at least I feel like I have a normal amount of stress instead of an incredible amount. I think I've successfully dug myself out of the money ditch. Tonight, I'm going to forget that I have $2.00 in my bank account, and I'm going to be happy about the fact that I'm not in debt to the Hatfield Athletic Club or the Doc's Office anymore. Actually I think I do owe them $25. Damn. So close. Fuck it.
This weekend, cringing, I went with my dad to my grandmother's house in Clifton Heights to pack up and take with us some of the things that she promised Jackie and I in her will. I hadn't been to her house in years, it was so eerie walking in and realizing nothing had changed. She didn't want Jackie and I to see her slow decline into hardcore senility, and also I think that it was just too sad for her to see us after the death of my mother. That is literally the last time I saw her, which was about 5 years ago. I didn't really do much to keep in touch with her either, I had always been somewhat afraid of her when I was younger, she was a very brash and forceful woman, very cranky in her older years. This is all of course meaningless now, and I feel like such a little shit for not putting out more of an effort. Seeing all the things she left me, all the things that were hers and that she cherished, actually gave me a better idea of who she was. My grandmother lovvvveeed gaudy gold jewelry. She had a very unique taste in jewelry, and she left Jackie and I all of it. I was told that all of it would be worth a lot of money if we ever decided to sell it, but I don't know if I would ever have the heart to. Holding heavy gold chains, charms, rings, bracelets, earrings in my hands that I used to see her ornamented in every time we'd come visit, her regulars, her favorites, I still felt like she was very much alive, she was just in the next room. Surprisingly, through this whole visit, I wasn't terribly sad, and I'm not saying it was business to me either, it was just...I guess I can't even explain. I had a very clear head through the whole ordeal, and that did me some good in my opinion, because I feel like I was much more capable of saying my goodbyes this way. Thinking rationally, but still feeling everything, every little bit. I'm hoping this is some sort of sign that I'm growing up emotionally, but in some morbid way I think that I'm also just so used to loss that, that's the reason why I'm becoming so good at dealing with it. Hey, at least I'm becoming better at dealing with it rather than looking at it as an excuse to feel sorry for myself and fuck up my life.
Okay, now I'm just rambling. Better end this before it gets ridiculous.
Other than that, a drunken Georgia told me at Karl's toga party the other night that she may have found us a place to live next year...Jamie's old apartment. I think she said the rent would be about $230 per person, between three people, so awesome. I've got to go to the city this weekend with Molly during the day to check out the situation, and mostly to see if it would be possible to have pets there, because we may not be getting rid of Nickel after all, just so long as we can make sure I can take her with me when I move out. I'm not sure how that's gonna turn out, I'm not holding out much hope. The whole situation has just been heartbreaking for us. She's chosen me as 'her person', how do I just brush her off and get rid of her? It's gonna kill me. Ugh. I'm done thinking about that.
Everything else in my life seems to be unfolding nicely, however. Seems like the first time I can actually say that confidently! At least for now. I've got a job that's going to help me save up money for moving to the city next year, the place I want to be more than anywhere else in the world right now, I've got awesome people around me every day, I feel like I've been handling family affairs pretty reasonably, (aka picking up my grandmother's, aunt's, uncle's, and father's calls as well as spending some time with them), things seems to be going great! I haven't been acting like an idiot lately, etc etc. Although despite all this, I still feel like I'm overlooking something. I guess that's just paranoia. It's been very rare in my life that I've felt like I've had a handle on things. Well I don't think I ever will, but at least I feel like I have a normal amount of stress instead of an incredible amount. I think I've successfully dug myself out of the money ditch. Tonight, I'm going to forget that I have $2.00 in my bank account, and I'm going to be happy about the fact that I'm not in debt to the Hatfield Athletic Club or the Doc's Office anymore. Actually I think I do owe them $25. Damn. So close. Fuck it.
This weekend, cringing, I went with my dad to my grandmother's house in Clifton Heights to pack up and take with us some of the things that she promised Jackie and I in her will. I hadn't been to her house in years, it was so eerie walking in and realizing nothing had changed. She didn't want Jackie and I to see her slow decline into hardcore senility, and also I think that it was just too sad for her to see us after the death of my mother. That is literally the last time I saw her, which was about 5 years ago. I didn't really do much to keep in touch with her either, I had always been somewhat afraid of her when I was younger, she was a very brash and forceful woman, very cranky in her older years. This is all of course meaningless now, and I feel like such a little shit for not putting out more of an effort. Seeing all the things she left me, all the things that were hers and that she cherished, actually gave me a better idea of who she was. My grandmother lovvvveeed gaudy gold jewelry. She had a very unique taste in jewelry, and she left Jackie and I all of it. I was told that all of it would be worth a lot of money if we ever decided to sell it, but I don't know if I would ever have the heart to. Holding heavy gold chains, charms, rings, bracelets, earrings in my hands that I used to see her ornamented in every time we'd come visit, her regulars, her favorites, I still felt like she was very much alive, she was just in the next room. Surprisingly, through this whole visit, I wasn't terribly sad, and I'm not saying it was business to me either, it was just...I guess I can't even explain. I had a very clear head through the whole ordeal, and that did me some good in my opinion, because I feel like I was much more capable of saying my goodbyes this way. Thinking rationally, but still feeling everything, every little bit. I'm hoping this is some sort of sign that I'm growing up emotionally, but in some morbid way I think that I'm also just so used to loss that, that's the reason why I'm becoming so good at dealing with it. Hey, at least I'm becoming better at dealing with it rather than looking at it as an excuse to feel sorry for myself and fuck up my life.
Okay, now I'm just rambling. Better end this before it gets ridiculous.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Kicking the Heart Out.
This weekend was nice, took the train down to the city to see my sister again, was greeted by her cute little girlfriend running around in a neon orange flat-brimmed hat and impossible heels. Went to some party at so-and-so's house and was happy to see a lot of people there I hadn't seen in a while. Ray and I tried to work out a game of beer pong but found out it wasn't worth it, the place was so packed with everyone crowding around the table, plus we only had one ping pong ball. It was a valiant effort all the same. After spending a majority of the night at this place chainsmoking on a really cool balcony with an amazing view of center city lights, not to mention all of us being exactly where we needed to be on the 1-10 drunken scale of things, we started heading back in the general direction of Furness. Karl got a call from Georgia Jamie and Joe, so we waited for them on a corner and I was reunited with my love again. Shot the breeze with them for a little before heading back and crashing. Success.
The next night was just a lazy/nice break from the night before. I smoked with my sister for the first time in a sketchy alleyway, I'm glad it happened like that. Then we all walked back to their friend Maxine's dorm and watched 2001: A Space Odyssey. I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my head around that movie. It was just amazing to watch. Stanley Kubrick is a god amongst directors.
Today I woke up at 2:30 in an empty dorm room, then took the subway back to Temple with Karl, where we met up with Georgia and her beau. I am fully contented with this weekend. Now I'm just relaxing at my house with a jack russell on my lap, listening to Forgot About Dre, waiting for Matt to pick me up to go to the diner. Balllllllin'.
The next night was just a lazy/nice break from the night before. I smoked with my sister for the first time in a sketchy alleyway, I'm glad it happened like that. Then we all walked back to their friend Maxine's dorm and watched 2001: A Space Odyssey. I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my head around that movie. It was just amazing to watch. Stanley Kubrick is a god amongst directors.
Today I woke up at 2:30 in an empty dorm room, then took the subway back to Temple with Karl, where we met up with Georgia and her beau. I am fully contented with this weekend. Now I'm just relaxing at my house with a jack russell on my lap, listening to Forgot About Dre, waiting for Matt to pick me up to go to the diner. Balllllllin'.
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