Hoping it's the B.C. If you analyze anything that much, nothing seems too good.

I'm all over the place. One minute I could be completely content and happy, chipper even, the person I usually am. The next minute my brain feels like it's going to explode. Too much thought, too much worrying. Too much everything. A shell of a person. I feel unworthy of the people that call themselves my friends. I just don't see....how. I have no energy to think or talk. My attention is easily grabbed because I can't keep my thoughts on any one thing for a prolonged period of time. I HATE THIS.

I don't want to push away the people that might actually care about me, or could. I think that it's also a defense mechanism I have, a wall that I have up, that I haven't been able to demolish. It seems like it's built in now, and it comes out, making itself known at the most painfully obvious and worst times. No one's been able to make it go away, and I'm starting to get scared that no one will. At times that can be all I'm thinking about, and it terrifies me. I don't want this to become something that's permanently embedded in my personality, because this is not part of me. Maybe it's something that I need to learn, something that I'm going about the wrong way. I just haven't met anyone that is willing to work through it with me, besides my best friends. It's also very much to do with a giant feeling I get in the pit of my stomach that I don't have anything to offer, it's an unhealthy self-critique. Everything always fizzles out for me, because once the 'new' wears off, I'm not sure what I want or how the other person feels, and I start thinking way too much. I start getting comfortable. I try to act like the person I think I am normally, but it's always a bit off and eveything just becomes bland. I'm not sure why that happens.

A big reason why I've been on my own for as long as I have is because I'm not going to settle for anything less than what I'm looking for, but now I'm afraid that when a good opportunity actually comes up, not all of me will fully realize it and I'll go back into 'hiding'. Well, I haven't come into contact with anyone that wants to find me yet.

If someone thinks that I'm worth cracking open, I mean really does, all I'm asking is that you bear with me, or tell me straight up "no".