Dreams.

I keep having "nightmares" that consist of people talking over me. Does that say I'm egocentric or just small-voiced?

I also keep having dreams that my friend Kyle has a baby with some unknown girl, well....not a baby a toddler, and it's this cute little boy with black hair, but the kid absolutely hates me. And for someone reason this makes "dream me" almost completely beside myself. I haven't told him yet.

Nah, I'm gonna tell him right now because it's fucking weird.

Also, I'm hungry. And in need of some company. Everyone seems to be home for the night. Any takers?

Perplexed

God, where did my groove go? I feel like a 50 year old woman.

eh, fuck.

All in all it was a bad idea to not get any sleep, coffee's giving me the shakes, I just walked outside and it was lovely.

Can't Sleep.

If there weren't someone JUST falling asleep on our livingroom couch, I'd be out there making some coffee for the day. I've been in my room, passing time. My sleep schedule is all messed up now so I thought that I'd just stay awake to fix it. Mmmmmmmm, coffee ::whines::.

Oh well.

Little to no thoughts were shooting around in my head today (well, yesterday). I had a wonderfully lethargic evening. My brain went on vacation! It felt great. I didn't go outside, and that's perfectly fine with me because it was terribly cold today. I had no face to face contact with anyone, and sometimes I really, really love days like that. I'm beginning to think that living alone might be best for me, because there's some days (well, lately it's been most days) I just don't feel comfortable walking around in my own house. I guess that's what I get for moving in with people I hardly know or have anything in common with. It just feels weird sometimes. It's too bad, because I generally love the house itself. It just doesn't feel like it's mine. I own next to nothing in this house, and when I do eventually move out I'll have next to nothing to take with me. It just feels strange. I've been looking on craigslist at new apartments just for kicks! Ekfuhskfshdkfjehuthsekfjsh and this is but ONE of the many things on my mind.

School has been running my life lately, and the funny thing is I'm not doing so well in it. I find myself telling people that I don't have time to do things because I have to write a paper or study for an exam, but when I actually get home to do these things it's at least a good 2 or 3 hours before I actually break down and get shit done! All hail the queen of procrastination. I'm not failing anything, but I'm not doing as well as I could be. My sociology class is making me nervous. I'm not sure how well I'm doing in that.

Other things I'm just at a loss with. There's really not much to say or do, except for me to buck up and move on. And I'm actually doing pretty well with that. I think I'm getting the hang of this.
I can't wait around for answers that will most likely never come, and I can't settle. I'm better than that. I shouldn't be worrying about this stuff right now anyway.

Really debating whether or not I should just lie down and at least TRY to sleep, since I can't go out and get coffee just yet. Hmm, mayyybe.

Pointless.

This computer is like a drug to me.

When you feel like your life is moving slowly, take a minute to stop and think about all the experiences you've had so far, and the people that you've let walk in and out of your life; think about the feelings that you've felt over the years. You've experienced a lot, and you still want more.

::excited::

I want to rent a cabin somewhere in the woods. Open to tag-alongs, inquire within.

Oh, hey, this is just how I feel when I'm sleep deprived. Some moments I'm more optimistic about the future than others.

I can't breathe.

It's way too damn hot in my house. I'm actually hoping for colder weather, I never do that. No air conditioning changes a woman.

I love my apartment, my roommates are great girls, and I fell in love with our small kitten the moment I held her. I've met some cool people already, and had a lot of fun times. Right now I'm currently pretty sunburned....went to the beach the day before yesterday. I guess I don't know how to put sunscreen on correctly.

I just got a job at the Pita Pit, it's the exact same thing as my last job, except with pitas. So....I think that's awesome! Haha. Another mindless job. Now I can make sure that I'm raking in some dough while still able to concentrate on schoolwork and whatnot. School starts September 8th for me.

I need shelves in my room. I don't have a closet. And we still need a trashcan. But things are coming along. We're having a housewarming party early September, so get pumped!


-Liiivi.

Philly,

here I come.

http://www.pandora.com/people/livibarry

Forgot how much I love Pandora. It's been good to me. ^^

So, I'm moving to Philly on Saturday. [16th and Webster! Come visit.] It's coming down to the wire getting stuff done and all that, so I'm a bit more stressed and anxious than usual.....always a fun way to feel. I haven't even started to pack yet. I'll do that tomorrow. I find it hard to get the ball rolling on such an important task such as this...my brain feels all wonky.

Yesterday, (well technically the day before yesterday) my boss took me out for some Indian food at this great restaurant in Lansdale. I've never really been exposed to Indian food before or ever gone to an Indian restaurant, so it was a cool experience, and the food was AMAZING. I'll have to keep trying it out. Definitely a good time. I'll miss everyone at work (well, almost everyone), I plan on inviting them up to visit and popping in whenever I'm in the area again.

Don't really have much else to say. I'm about to enter into a completely new chapter of my life and I'm kind of in shock. Anybody got any advice or comforting words? Lol. I don't think many people besides the people I'm extremely close to around me have the slightest clue what a big step this is for me...

I feel like dancing around excitedly but then crumbling into a pile in the corner and hiding.

::sigh::
It's always hard to sleep with so many things weighing on your mind.

The Stranger.

Haven't written in a while. Not sure what to say....
I feel like I'm completely melding into the internet, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It kind of encompasses the whole world but you're still in this tiny bubble. ::shrug/sigh::

Life's going fairly well. I got my hospital bill in the mail today for when I was having those intense chest pains..(I'm fine)..and it's a whopping $275. I am so fucking thankful, I was expecting upwards of $1,000. Might have something to do with the whining I did about not having any health insurance? Probably not, but.....yeah? No.

Still working at Subway, and expecting my very unfavorite person to be fired soon, they hired a new girl that will start working in about 2 weeks. I can't be more glad. For anyone that has heard me talk about her, I'm not just being mean, she really is the most ridiculous person I have ever met in my life. Au Revoir, Texas. You have become an entertaining conversation piece.

I'm expecting to move into my apartment shortly after July 15th. I am terribly excited. I've made the most of what I can at my current address, and have been wanting to live in Philly for two years now. I'm itching to experience new things, yearnin' for some learnin', and wanting to encounter new and interesting characters.

Nickel (my jack russell terrier) is gone for good. We gave her to a woman who has an animal rescue farm down in Maryland. She also has an 11 year old son, which is pretty much exactly what I wanted for her, and exactly what she deserves. I still walk into the house or my room and think of her every time I don't hear her bark, or don't have to worry about her getting out. I'm trying to put it into the back of my mind. We did what was best for her, but I still can't help but feel a little lost without her, and I miss her ever so much. I think it's the worst when I wake up in the morning and she's not sleeping nuzzled beside me. Heartwrenching. Sounds ridiculous, but no one will ever understand the bond that I had with my dog.

I've been becoming more of a night person again, my work schedule has been permitting it and I am helpless to stop it. Obviously not helpless, but I'm stubborn. So. There.

Been reading a lot again, and watching lots of movies. I feel like I'm kind of hermitting (word?) myself besides my best friends that I see every day, but I've actually been enjoying it, for the most part. I'm thinking that that might also have something to do with being upset about Nickel. I've been meaning to get out for some weekend or other, but something always comes up. Fatigue, work, etc. Once I get some more shit covered I will make more of an effort, though.

Pat and I are going to go get tattoos soon. I'm so excited.

Pat Molly and I bought lotto tickets today just for the hell of it, and all I won was a free ticket. Which I can't redeem until tomorrow at least. I doubt I ever will. Not sure why people get hooked on those things. My mom used to do the powerball every saturday. We never became millionaires.

Sorry for this ramble, not feeling eloquent, just tired and a bit dull. ::shrug::

Night all.

Future Thoughts/Waiting in line.

I would like 'Where is My Mind?' by the Pixies played at my funeral. I would like the Pixies to come to my funeral.

What's on my mind at this very moment.

fuckin' Coachella. Superbummed.

Chopping my hair off next week and then probably doing a better dye job.

Got new glasses [:

Love my webcam. Skype is swt.

Don't wanna wake up early to go to work. Have to go in early tomorrow.

CanNOT WAIT until the weekend. First weekend off in two weeks. First days off since last tuesday.

Sleep.




This has been a very shallow blog, but idc. My mind is shallow at the moment. Sleep and days off cure all.

Do Whatcha Feel Now.

So, despite all the things that I've had to bring myself to deal with lately, I've actually felt more like myself than I've felt in a long time. I'm realizing that coming to peace with things may be hard, and it's hard to see the whole puzzle and not feel that little :sting: of pain, but taking it piece by piece is actually becoming do-able. I find myself in a good mood on most days, and for some reason everything is so damn funny lately. I feel more comfortable in my own skin and care little to none of how other people perceive me. I'm having a good time. I've made some sort of progress. I'm just now grasping that my life will be forever-changing as I grow older, and instead of that scaring me or.. what have you, I'm incredibly excited. It feels good. I look forward to the future, I dream about traveling, I have a freeing feeling that the primitive definition of being successful has melted away in my mind. I look at my dad and his girlfriend, and I'm green with envy just from how much they've seen and experienced. I see their lives as of right now as a giant relaxing sigh of contentment. They're happy where they are. They have the freedom to do whatever they'd like, to travel the world. They've made their peace. There is really nothing else monumental they have to do or anybody they have to take care of, just themselves. I can't wait until I reach that point in my life, I think it will be at that moment I will realize the world is mine to appreciate and explore, to grow old and die in.

" "

This problem has buried you alive. You look, all you see is dirt, and you think you're going to die. Little do you realize, you're only buried in about 2 inches of dirt. All you really have to do is sit up, and stand tall. You're only six feet under when you are dead.

Sex in the next room.

STREAM OF CONCIOUSNESS.

I feel like a completely different person than I was less than a year ago.

Bad? Good? ..Bood.

I don't want to fuck you, I just want to be your friend. Can you deal with that?

I hate when people say they want to hang out and then it never happens. Are we all really that out of touch with one another? Don't bother me unless you're serious. I judge you based on these kinds of things.

Fuck wine headaches.


Oh god, sex in the next room. Wall bangs.

Tired. Allthetime. I want to make a rhythm.

Norestnobreaks.

Poor brain.


I want to learn Russian.





Noprocessesjustrawemotion.
-Livi.

Wrong.

So.... I've been feeling alright lately..

Lately, but..
but my heart's started to hurt profusely again. At least this time I have the sense to not do anything about it. I know there's nothing that I CAN do, so I've been trying to block it out the best I can. I'm just not very good at keeping things bottled up, but I know that I would just make every situation worse if I were to voice how I really feel. Not only for one person...but for another as well.
It's all part of growing up I guess.

I truly from the bottom of my heart hope that you have a happy life, I just wish I could be there to cheer you on and enjoy it with you.

I shouldn't post this. I think I'll make this private. Or take the link for this off of my Facebook.


It just makes me physically hurt..that things will never be the same.

Off My Rocker.

Yes, I've gone off it. I missed work today. I didn't go to my sleep study. I had a complete mental breakdown yesterday. My mind filled up with the most depressing shit imaginable, and I didn't know what to do, so I just cried. A lot. I reached out for help and I'm at my dad's house right now, taking a vacation from my regular everyday life. And I'm going to a psychiatrist tomorrow. Chances are I'm depressed.

Honesty's the best policy? I figure getting everything out in the open is better than keeping it bottled up like I have been.

I'm going to get back up on my feet. But it would make it a lot easier if the people that I cared about helped me out a little bit too.

-Livi.